Ten Years in Time
October 17, 2012 § 3 Comments
Ten years ago today, I was walking to the bus stop heading to school.
It was a cold morning, one of the first winter-feel mornings that year. Frosty white covered the grass, and the black paved roads.
Little did I know at that moment I left the house, that this morning would be one I will never forget.
I was fifteen, when I experienced real loss for the first time.
His name started with the letter A, and he was sixteen. He was the boy next door, we had been class mates for forever.
This morning, and all mornings after, he would never again stand next to me waiting for the bus.
The night before, he had been driving his motorbike with his best friend as a passenger. They rounded a bend, and that is when everything went wrong.
He lost control, hit the safety fence. His friend was hurt, bruised, but alive.
A didn’t make it through the night.
A would be forever sixteen.
At fifteen, I did not have many life experiences, and this was one of the first. It was the first loss I truly experienced, and it broke me in to pieces. It felt like pure pain, injected straight in to the heart. I wondered how I would ever be okay again. Things still hurt now, but nothing ever quite like it did at fifteen. Even though we didn’t have much contact the last few years of his life, he had always been there. And then suddenly, he wasn’t there anymore. Nowehere to be found.
It is hard to believe that it has been ten years. Long years, growing years. I have had ten years to deal, understand, reflect, and grow up. In a way, it felt like it was not fair, that I got to become a grown up, when he would never be older than sixteen.
People often reflect on how an event such as this has changed them, or shaped them, in to becoming who they are today.
I try not to.
However, as I looked at the calendar today, and realized what it marked, my mind did start churning.
With time, death becomes sort of a nostalgia thing. People, good or bad, are remembered almost as saints. We put them on pedestalls, they become legends. Remembered as memories, an image of an image. Something between a memory and imagination. A character created over time, in between what was and what is.
Sometimes I think that what I remember is made up, but then I know better. He was an extraordinary boy. He was incredibly smart and kind, and he was very good at drawing.
I alway imagined him to grow up to build bridges or something else impressive and big-scaled. Sometimes I even felt he deserved life more than me, because he was going to do something big and important with his life. And sometimes I have felt that I should be doing more with my life, because I can, and because there are so many who are never able to.
I would love to say that I have become a better person, that I have learned to make more out of the time that I have been given, but most times I forget.
I am trying though, but I feel like I might have spent a little more time at choosing my roads before walking down them than most people my age. I guess I’ve always been a little too focused on going the “right” way. Maybe I should allow myself some wrong turns every once in a while…
I can’t help but feeling a little sad today, because a part of me still misses that beautiful blonde boy I used to know. And that fifteen year old girl I used to be, I sort of miss her too.
I sometimes wonder who I would have become if I hadn’t experienced losing someone my own age when we were all still trying to figure out who we were going to be, but at least I can say that I learned early that you can not control life.
Life just happens, and there are things in it that are going to break your heart, or make you very happy that you got to meet some really amazing people (even though you might not have gotten too keep them in your life for very long). We all just have to enjoy the thrill of the ride, and the wind in our hair, because who knows what tomorrow will be.
To finish off this post I just want to leave a little “thank you” out there, for A, for being so amazing that I still miss him, even after all this time.